Not Everyone Has An Internal Monologue (Including My Husband)
Episode 807: Show Notes
Inevitably, you’re going to encounter people who simply don’t think the same way you do. Personally, it took me a long time to understand this. I always assumed that everyone problem-solved the same way, thought the same way, and came up with ideas in the same way. Like me, you might be surprised to learn that not everyone experiences inner dialogue in the same way or even at all! In fact, it’s estimated that 30 to 50% of people don’t have an “inner voice.”
Those without verbal thoughts may think abstractly or use visual imagery instead. It's important to note that there is no right or wrong way to think, and both styles have their pros and cons. Today, I’m joined by my husband Jared, who doesn’t have an inner monologue, to find out how he processes his thoughts and emotions without all the self-talk. We also explore how you can grow your relationship by learning about someone else’s communication methods, find opportunities for creativity with different thinking styles, and more!
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What Life Looks Like Without an Inner Monologue
Simply put, Jared describes his thought process as “not verbal.” What this means is that when he thinks or problem-solves, he sees his thoughts rather than hears them. When thinking about a home renovation project, for example, he doesn’t have an inner voice that says, “I need a screwdriver.” Instead, he just sees the screwdriver in his mind’s eye.
Just like there’s an inner dialogue spectrum, from hearing nothing at all to what seems like 1,000 voices all at once, the same is true of visual thinking. Some see three-dimensional images that they can view from all angles, and others see more abstract representations of their ideas. While Jared’s problem-solving and decision-making processes involve pretty detailed visuals, he says that his judgment is guided by feeling rather than an inner narrative.
Processing Emotions as a Visual Thinker
As a result of this feeling-driven process, Jared also approaches his emotions in a very different way than I do. I process my emotions using words like “anxious” or “angry,” but Jared says his emotions are more like waves that wash over him. There are pros and cons to this style of thinking. While it can be more reactive, it also means that he allows himself to feel things in the moment. He also distinguishes between head feelings and heart feelings, one being more pragmatic and logic-driven and the other being more spontaneous and dramatic. Sometimes, being a visual thinker means that the worst-case scenarios can be very vivid!
On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, Jared describes his more peaceful moments as “screensaver mode.” Literally, he sees a galaxy of stars behind his eyes, with the occasional image floating by as his thoughts pass. Memories occur in similar vignettes, with memories playing out like movie clips. Interestingly, Jared says he can hear the voices of others in these memories, so his thoughts aren’t completely silent!
Why We Can’t Assume We Know What (or How) Others Think
In both our personal and professional relationships, it’s never helpful to assume what or even how other people think. You never know what someone else is going through, how they process their emotions, how they plan for the future, or how they make decisions. Everyone is different, and that is totally okay! Having different ways of thinking is something that Jared and I have had to work on over time. We’ve had to learn how to work through our own feelings and decision-making processes before we can come together and have a discussion about it.
When it comes to major decisions that you have to make together, it can help to get some outside perspective first. Jared suggests finding a trusted mentor or friend who can hear you out and advise you based on their experience in a particular topic. Therapists are great, but if your problem involves money, for example, it might be better to seek guidance from someone who has experience in finance!
Not everyone thinks or communicates the same way, and it has been critical for my personal and professional growth to recognize what others might need in order to make decisions or learn. It’s easy to default to your standard method of communication, but the more I’ve been able to show up in the way that others need from me, the better that information is received and the stronger our relationship has become.
Quote This
Not everyone thinks or communicates or processes or manages things the same way.
Highlights
What Life Looks Like Without an Inner Monologue. [0:05:44]
Processing Emotions as a Visual Thinker. [0:18:08]
Why We Can’t Assume We Know What (or How) Others Think. [0:30:11]
OUR GUEST:
Jared Pumphrey
Jared Pumphrey is the Marketing Manager at Boss Project. He is married to Boss Project founder, Abagail Pumphrey. Prior to joining Boss Project officially, Jared practiced as a landscape architect solving complex design, development, and planning issues for large-scale $500M+ entertainment projects across the United States.
Key Topics:
Ways of thinking, Visual thinking, Inner monologue, Communication styles
