The New Phases of Adulthood: How to Figure Out What You Actually Want
Episode 697: Show Notes
Have you ever felt that you’ve run out of boxes to check? It can feel unsettling not to be clear on what you should be pursuing, especially as you get older. We were pretty surprised to find out that most of the things we strive for as we age are actually developmental milestones. We learned that, with the passing of each decade, there needs to be a realignment to work toward a new set of goals. There’s a progression from building your career in your twenties, to finding life alignment in your thirties, connecting to passion and purpose in your forties, and building a legacy in your fifties and beyond. Striving to make these things a priority is a natural part of the life cycle.
We were also surprised to learn that one-third of Americans say that they would rather give up sex than their cell phones. What this tells us is that we are all pretty accustomed to hooking ourselves to other things. If we’re not busy, we’re on our phones. If we’re not on our phones, we’re watching TV. What would we want to do if we put down our phones a little bit more? That’s the part that so many women struggle with. We all want to have a life, but how many of us know what that would look like for us? We have conditioned ourselves to not be okay with being bored. But only in boredom, does creativity strike. What do you want your life to look like? Do you know what it looks like to slow down?
Listen on your favorite podcast player
What we can learn from the five most common regrets of the dying
Living a life others expected of you, instead of a life true to yourself is at the top of the list. That’s a really hard one to avoid, because it requires confidence and clarity about what you want. And it’s difficult to determine what you truly what you want, and not what others want for you. We had to do so much unlearning, and there are still things we would love to do, but we won’t do them, because there are other things we want more. It’s okay to have multiple desires that pull you in different directions and still have the courage to choose the one that makes the most sense for you.
If the next one makes you roll your eyes, you’re not alone. A lot of folks wish they hadn’t worked so hard. This doesn’t seem super relevant to our generation because we tend to make sure we are very available to our families. We’ve already done a lot of work there.
The third most common regret is about having the courage to speak your mind. A lot of people don’t feel that they can, and when you do, you may lose people close to you. There’s the moment when you will either decide to be this person or not, at the risk of losing a lot of people and a lot of relationships. That’s something you do, not just for yourself, but for your family moving forward.
Staying invested in your friendships is the fourth most common regret. Do you prioritize friendship? Is it supported in your world? From our observation, this can get a lot harder as time passes. People move away, they lose the thing they had in common, or they just enter a different space in their life. You have to lay the foundations for friendship now if you want to have it in the future. That’s something we try to be really mindful of.
How one gut-wrenching regret reminds us to put our lives first
The last one hit us hard! When they’re nearing the end of their lives, a lot of people say that they wish they had allowed themselves to be happier. On their deathbed, the things people are talking about are the life-centric parts of themselves. All of these regrets center around your life and how you live it. It has very little, if nothing, to do with your work. It’s not that your work can’t be fulfilling, or fill a passion and purpose in your life, but on their deathbed, people are not talking about work.
To us, building a business life first is the only option. We can’t imagine committing ourselves to a career where we don’t have the amount of freedom and flexibility as we do. That raises the question of how we can be more purposeful with the time spent doing the work to make the money to support the life we want? We want to be purposeful and productive in the time dedicated to work. That’s why we look at our calendar every three days to make sure that it’s in alignment with the life we want to be living. We’re moving things around, we’re canceling things that don’t make sense, and that doesn’t stop. We don’t want you to fall victim to life just happening to you. You have to walk through it intentionally.
While the regrets of the dying will definitely change with time, we think the root of what people are saying will hold true for multiple generations. We are living in a space and time where people are creating more of the reality that they want to live now, and they are trying to do that in a lot of ways. We don’t want you to get so lost in the space you are trying to create that you don’t see the amazing space you are in now. That’s the underlying conversation people are having. It’s not an if and when, it’s a now.
Three questions to ask yourself to define what’s important to you today
Sometimes the reason we don’t know what to pursue is that we don’t know what we really value. You can say that you value family, but what do you value in particular? Do you value quality time with family? Do you value experiences with family? The more specificity you add to any of these things is what will give you more clarity.
The first question we want to offer you might hurt a little bit. What can be taken away from you that would make your life unbearable, and why? If it just disappeared, what would make you absolutely miserable? Next, if you have kids, what do you want to make sure they know and understand because you want to make it a priority? If you don’t have kids, what is the legacy you want to leave behind? What are the traces of you that you want to stick?
Our third question for you is what makes you angry? The answer is an opportunity for you to see what you actually value. For Abagail, it’s seeing people get stuck in a state of inaction. Instead of focusing on the lack of action, it’s important for her to look at what she values. And her answer is courage, gumption, and grit. If you can look at the things that rub you the wrong way, you can look at what the value is on the flip side of it. Those are the things that are important to you and they can fuel so many areas of your life. This question is a great way to reconnect with what you believe. Noticing these themes can also highlight the areas you’re really good at focusing on, and which ones are important to you, but end up getting less attention.
Take a deep breath and know that it is so normal to want to pursue different areas at different stages of life. It’s okay to not know, but it’s your responsibility to explore and get more in tune with who you are and what you want and to build a lifestyle business that ultimately supports you as you do all of those things. And we’re here to support whatever that looks like for you.
Quote This
We have conditioned ourselves to not be okay with being bored, but only in boredom does creativity strike. Not creativity for productivity’s sake, creativity just for fulfillment of your freakin’ life!
Highlights
What we can learn from the five most common regrets of the dying [0:17:02]
How one gut-wrenching regret reminds us to put our lives first [0:25:38]
Three questions to ask yourself to define what’s important to you today [0:29:10]
Today’s Guest:
Abagail & Emylee
The Strategy Hour Podcast
The Strategy Hour Podcast is a twice weekly show hosted by Abagail Pumphrey and Emylee Williams, the founders of Boss Project. Join us for semi-ranty biz conversations for service providers looking to ethically grow their agency businesses. Episodes cover everything from lead generation to leadership mindset to team culture and beyond.
Key Topics:
Legacy, Regret, Goal setting, Future planning, Values, Priorities
