Why Strangers Support You More Than The People You Actually Know
Episode 409: Show Notes
Oftentimes the people closest to us are the most apprehensive about our business goals and dreams, and this can be isolating. You worry that perhaps you have done the wrong thing as their lack of enthusiasm or support makes you doubt yourself. But have you ever considered that this might be because you going for your dream might remind them that they are stuck? Maybe their skepticism is more about them and how your aspirations make them feel – how it highlights their passivity or the rut they find themselves in. Conversely, it could be your loved ones offer the wrong kind of support or they share their fears around your decisions because they do want you to succeed.
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It could be that your spouse is more anxious than you are and that he or she is uncomfortable with you taking risks. As we all know, being an entrepreneur is all about insecurity and unpredictability! In this episode, we share our thoughts about why strangers are often more supportive than our loved ones. We talk about setting boundaries, not giving power to the wrong people, keeping a healthy perspective on the opinions of others, and why it is okay to unfollow people on social media!
People Want to Protect You (Or Themselves)
The people closest to us sometimes get defensive because they are trying to protect us, but it could also be that they are trying to protect themselves. Your personal growth or business aspirations could be intimidating to them; a reminder of their own lack of action. Sometimes people will also tell you that you can do whatever you want, but as soon as you share your big ideas with them, they are apprehensive and ask whether it’s a safe option. Entrepreneurs are often go-getters, and our willingness to take a gamble can put a strain on the people around us who don’t understand where we’re coming from. Consequently, you can sense the anxiety in them, but the good news is, many of them come around eventually. Unfortunately, it is only after you have proven yourself that they start encouraging you on your journey. What if we didn’t pay as much attention to the concerns of our loved ones? This is not easy, especially because these are the people who we love and care about, and whose opinions we value most! Getting validation from a stranger is great, but what’s even better is if you can convince them to be your client and you can start making money from them. That is how you know to run with it.
Learn to Identify What You Need and Then Consult the Right People
It’s important to remember people serve different purposes in our lives and fulfill us in different ways, and you have to identify those who you can trust your ideas with. With some people you can talk about relationships, while others are good for discussions about business – it’s about selecting your conversations carefully. This requires self-reflection and understanding what you need at that moment so that you can consult with the appropriate people. Maybe you need to hear that it’s going to be okay and everything will work out, or perhaps you need realistic, objective insight from someone who will tell you how it really is. Sometimes we give people too much power and we are the ones who are responsible for assigning power to them. You get cheerleaders and problem-solvers: don’t ask the opinion of someone who does not have a clue what they are talking about! Some people are not your go-to for strategies, so when you ask them for this kind of help, it only leads to frustration on the part of both.
The Problem With Putting Too Much Weight On the Opinions of Peers
So, if you can’t talk to your Nanna or your spouse about business plans and dreams, who do you go to? We tend to put a high value on the opinions of our peers: those in the same industry who are doing a similar thing and have been successful in that venture. Here’s the issue though: They are always going to speak from their own experience and what has and has not worked for them, and that might not be applicable for your business. They are too close to it to see how it is different; all they see are the similarities. If you are the one being consulted, it is helpful to ask the person what kind of advice or input they are looking for. Do they want you to say what you would do in that circumstance, or do they want the perspective of a complete outsider? Some of us are reliant on words of affirmation to feel validated, but it’s necessary to take back that power and to find validation from within rather than looking at others to provide it for you. When people want, buy, talk about, and like your offering, you feel good and fulfilled, but what happens when that stops happening? In the early stages of business, it is appropriate to celebrate each small victory and to find reassurance in different ways, but you’ve got to also know when to stop.
Not Building Your Happiness Around the Opinions of Others
While we continue to get validation from strangers and students, and while those closest to us still have apprehension about some of our ideas, experience has taught us that those moments are fleeting. Our reassurance lies in the fact that our success is not reliant on only one channel or area, so even if we messed up, there are still parts of our business that we could do something with. What we learned from the Taylor Swift documentary is that it is so dangerous to build your happiness and your definition of success on the reactions of the other people, because what happens if it all goes away tomorrow? It is advisable to have at least one person in your life who can be your unconditional support: who might not come back with ideas, who will let you talk it out, and they’re just there to be a sounding board. Sometimes this person starts as a skeptic but then transforms into an unconditional supporter as time goes by and as they get to know you in your business role.
Accept The Fact That Some People Will Never Change Their Standpoint
Sometimes, despite all your best efforts, people will not be what you want them to be. That is not to say that they don’t love you and can’t show up for you in other ways, but you have to know when to draw the line rather than trying to force something. Many friendships and relationships have been ruined because people are not self-aware enough or, on the other hand, are not sensitive enough to know what the other person needs from them at that moment. There is a fine line between being self-aware and acting accordingly and being selfish. As a friend, you might sometimes need to support your friends even if their success triggers something in you. While it is okay to have feelings of insecurity, envy, or intimidation by someone else’s success, it is not necessarily okay to distance yourself from them. Should this be the case, the relationship is unlikely to survive.
Supporting Friends Versus Supporting Strangers
There have been times when we have unfollowed people because their success has intimidated us and we didn’t want to be confronted with it daily. But these people are strangers – and that’s absolutely fine to let go of people you don’t know. You have to do what is best for your mental health, and you unfollowing that person is not going to be taken personally because you don’t know them. But as far as friends go, we are convinced community is more important than competition, and girlfriends need to be rooting for one another. Even if you don’t follow their every move on social media, you can still be nice and supportive. Just because they are succeeding does not prevent you from succeeding too. As far as strangers go, you have the right to follow and unfollow whomever you like and you don’t need a reason for it. You don’t have to support everybody.
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Quote This
You are in control of who you assign power to, especially when it comes to people’s opinions.
Highlights
People Want to Protect You (Or Themselves). [0:05:52.1]
Learn to Identify What You Need and Then Consult the Right People. [0:10:23.1]
The Problem With Putting Too Much Weight On the Opinions of Peers. [0:16:14.1]
Not Building Your Happiness Around the Opinions of Others. [0:26:13.1]
Accept The Fact That Some People Will Never Change Their Standpoint. [0:34:27.1]
Supporting Friends Versus Supporting Strangers. [0:38:31.1]
ON TODAY’S SHOW
Jessica Korthuis
Sohuis
Website | Instagram | Facebook
Jessica Korthuis is a powerhouse brand strategist, senior marketer, and acknowledged professional among her colleagues. In her tenure, she has worked alongside many incredible brands including Red Bull, TEDxWomen, Girls Who Code, Stanford University, Bloomingdale’s, and Florida Institute of Technology. She is the Founder and CEO of Sohuis, a company that provides marketing and branding educational resources and on-demand training to early-stage female entrepreneurs. Recently, Sohuis launched its first membership model to continue its efforts in empowering womenpreneurs, and Jessica is proud to donate 10% of Sohuis' online revenue to organizations that rehabilitate endangered and orphaned African Elephants. Jessica enjoys public speaking and has been featured by Girlboss, The Lean Startup Co., Girl CEO Inc, Entreprenistas, She Leads NYC, VoyageATL, and Biz Journals. She supports socially-conscious businesses, women in leadership, and collaborative and creative work environments.
KEY TOPICS
Prioritization, Perfectionism, Distraction, Taking action, Intuition, Incorporating feedback, Vulnerability, Product Validation
