The New Way to Look at Boundaries So They Actually Stick
Episode 695: Show Notes
This is not the first time we’re speaking about boundaries, and it won’t be the last. We love boundaries! They’re our favorite ‘B word.’ We like setting them, we like holding them, and we like helping other people set them. One thing we find interesting is that when we start the conversation about boundaries and we lovingly push our clients or our team to create, set, and hold a boundary, it can be triggering for a lot of people. That’s because it makes us reflect on toxic behaviors we have allowed or done or negative stories we have told ourselves about why we might need boundaries.
It typically falls into two camps: you’re either a people pleaser who feels like setting a boundary lets people down, or you’re a workaholic and boundaries lead you to question your work ethic. We recently discovered an article in the Harvard Business Review that made us think about boundaries in a new way. It gave us two categories for thinking about boundaries, and we want to walk you through each of them today.
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What Boundaries Are Ultimately About and Why It Matters
If you’re walking into this conversation and some feelings are coming up for you, we want to remind you that you can be firm, and still be really kind. You can have boundaries and remember that someone is human and makes mistakes, and that’s what this exercise really helps you to do. We want to set you up for long-term success, and if you keep being soft all the time, that’s not going to work.
Ultimately, boundaries are all about who we give power to. It’s only up to us to decide what our lives look like, what our workloads look like, etcetera. If we don’t put boundaries in place, other people will make those decisions for us and resentment can breed. Boundaries are to help us understand if, how, and when we give the energy that we have and what that looks like. That’s literally what a boundary does. You harness your power, and you communicate what mechanism you are going to give that power.
How Thinking About Boundaries in Two Buckets Can You Help You Set the Right Ones
A hard boundary is something you are unwilling to compromise on. You need to act on these immediately. These are things you will never do, or never accept as reasonable. Remember, we’re talking about work. You can set these boundaries around your own specific life boundaries. For example, you can commit to never taking on a consulting client that can only meet you on Fridays. That’s a non-negotiable, hard boundary.
Soft boundaries are aspirations you’re willing to compromise. These are goals you want to reach but are flexible around. Maybe you want to start leaving the office at 16:30 rather than 17:30, but other people are involved in actually helping make that a reality. You get to decide how to approach that conversation. When you start to define your boundaries this way, you can start to get clear on what you’re not willing to negotiate, versus the aspirations. When everything is non-negotiable, it feels rigid and impossible to attain. It doesn’t feel like there could be phases in order to work up to those boundaries, and looking at soft versus hard boundaries can help you to see the options.
What You Need To Determine To Effectively Brainstorm Your Boundaries
Boundaries are yours. Other people do not own them. You can see other people break your boundaries and you can respond to that in a certain way. In some cases, you can let them break your boundary, but you react in a way that stays true to who you are. Your boundary can only be about your own behavior. When you start to make rules for other people, it becomes much harder to uphold long term.
What are the one or two things you are trying to get out of your personal life or professional life? Determining what you can’t live without, and what you wish for, is how you determine which of your boundaries are soft, and which are hard. We have a visualization exercise described in the article that can really help you to do this. It starts with imagining that your life, as it is right now, is no longer possible. You get laid off, your business shuts down, and you’re forced to change careers. Everything is gone. What would you do next? What would be the things that you miss the most? What would you not miss? What would you feel is the most exciting about this next chapter? What would you feel the saddest about?
Really pick apart how you would feel about everything changing. Of all the things that you listed, what can’t you live without? What are you unwilling to go back to? This exercise helps you to determine your high-level priorities as well as some lower-level aspirations that can be hidden below your safety net. It can really help to paint a clearer picture.
The Key to Getting Back to a Place Where You Feel More in Alignment
Being intentional about where boundaries show up in your life is about conserving your energy. Period. Insomnia is on the rise. Depression and anxiety are on the rise. Productivity is not on the rise. A lot of us are burnt out. Boundaries are the key to getting back to a place where you feel more in alignment. We all have our energy tanks, and they look different for everyone. But when you get to a place where you are honoring that limitation, you get to a place where you sleep better, feel happier, and have more fulfilled relationships. But only if you actually prioritize those boundaries.
What if you approached boundary-setting as a way to gather data? Ask yourself, after testing out some boundaries, did you feel more or less productive? Was it an appropriate boundary to do the goal that I thought it would do? Am I more or less refreshed in my role as a partner, a friend, or a parent? You can always go back to doing things the old way if this new boundary didn’t serve you the way that you thought it would. So much of this comes back to you creating an environment that you are effective in.
Our homework for you today is to do the visualization exercise so that you can break down some non-negotiable boundaries, and some soft boundaries. But the actual implementation that follows that, is actually testing them. Pick one hard boundary and test it out. Try it for a week, a month, whatever you choose. Then, actually go back and look at the results. Treat it like an experiment so that you can see the data. Afterward, ask yourself about the outcomes, how you feel, what you need to change to stay on track and address the negative, and which boundaries belong in each bucket after the experiment. This is not new. But it’s a new way to think about it.
You’re not going to get the data in a week, or in two weeks. You need time. The article suggests that you allocate a quarter to test these boundaries, but we would say at least 30 days. See what happens! Let us know.
Quote This
Ultimately, it’s only up to us to decide how we spend our lives, what our schedule looks like, what our workload is like, etcetera. If we don’t put boundaries in place, then other people will make those decisions for us and resentment can breed.
Highlights
What boundaries are ultimately about and why it matters. [0:10:57]
Two buckets to help you categorize your boundaries. [0:16:03]
What you need to determine to effectively brainstorm your boundaries. [0:18:08]
The key to getting back to a place where you feel more in alignment. [0:24:18]
Today’s Guest:
Abagail & Emylee
The Strategy Hour Podcast
We help overwhelmed and creative entrepreneurs break down their Oprah-sized dreams to create a functioning command center to tame the chaos of their business. Basically, we think you’re totally bomb diggity, we’re about to uplevel the shiz out of your business.
Key Topics:
Boundaries, Data, Priorities, Goal-setting
